one of the things that gets me through me day

Our dog is nearly 2 years old. She's been a huge blessing to our family. I can't tell you how much she's eased my anxiety and fears. She lowers my blood pressure just by being present. She senses when my pain levels are high and stays close. She's better than any medication I've ever taken for arachnoiditis. I know I'm not exaggerating because I've heard this from many people who have pets, emotional support companions, and service dogs. I am thankful for each day I have with her.

back to work

After more than a year off of work I have returned. I am working the night shift at a local involuntary in-patient psych unit. The night shift is eerily quiet. There is busy work to do and very little patient interaction, which is good and bad. So far my pain levels haven't increased. I noticed during my training when I did day and evening shifts on the floor interacting with angry, yelling patients added tremendous stress to my body. Working nights I don't have to deal with that. I don't mind working with people with mental disorders, in fact I enjoy it. But it does wear you out when they direct their frustration and anger towards you.

I haven't had a hard time adjusting to going back to work. It was tough getting up to an alarm clock during my week of training and orientation. Sleeping when I want and getting up when I want was a blessing. Being an arachniac causes sleep disturbances. I get very little restorative sleep. I think that's what has made working nights not as difficult. I only sleep a few hours here and there, that is if I am medicated.

All in all it was a good move to return to work. Now I can get my credit back on track and get new furniture for the house, not to mention a haircut! Sometimes it's those little things we miss the most.

you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it...

Have you heard that saying? "You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it." I call BS. If that's the case I would have chose to be weak. I would have chose live a simple life. One in which I can  run, and hike, and swim with ease. One in which I can bake a cake, make dinner, clean my floors, all in the same day, instead of eating cereal for dinner because I mopped the floor, and I am too sore to do anything but breath.

Sometimes you can't turn lemons into lemonade. Sometimes things are just so effed up you have to look at it for what it is. Was  I truly strong enough to live this life or did I learn strength in the face of adversity? Is there a reason for everything or do we find reason in bad things that happen? Is it really possible to find the good in everything? If you answered yes to the last one, you must not have suffered the deep profound loss and isolation that certain things in life bring, like the loss of a child, mental illness, or intractable pain.

Now this isn't a why me post. I don't whine or complain about what life has thrown my way. I also don't sugar coat it and make lemonade. Instead I retain it's tartness, it's sourness. I want you to see the raw, sour, painful bits of life we often try to hide. Not because I want to live a bitter life, but rather live a realistic one. Bad, nasty, effed up things happen to good people. Why is it some get cancer, while others don't? Why is it some live in chronic daily pain, while others don't? Why is it some live with depression and anxiety, while others don't? Those who suffer, are they any less worthy of a happy, peaceful life? Why us and not someone else? Is it random? Or some cosmic eeny meeny miny mo? How did we draw the short straw?

So I won't live life like I am dying, or live everyday like it's my last, nor will I believe I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it. There is no reason I got cancer, no reason I life with arachnoiditis. So what's a girl to do? I will attempt to make the best of day. Take it moment by moment. I will lean on like minded friends who suffer like I do. I will love my family, kiss my dog, and laugh. I will put one foot in front of the other as long as I am able to. But most of all I will remember lemons don't taste so bad.

a year has passed

Ok so I'm not doing that great at keeping this blog up to date. I don't have any excuses why. I am 38 years old. I live with my husband, son, and German Shepherd.










I have adhesive arachnoiditis from intrathecal chemo treatments I had when I was 15 for Burkitt's Lymphoma. I am cured of cancer, yet left with a painful, debilitating condition. I also have a Tarlov Cyst in my sacral spine. This causes similar pain and symptoms are arachnoiditis.


Since I last wrote I haven't returned to work. This is by choice. I stopped taking opiate pain meds last year. I developed hyperalgesia. It caused my pain receptors to interpret slight touch as searing pain. It was awful. Since stopping them the hyperalgesia disappeared, however the pain from arachnoiditis and tarlov cyst disease is more than evident. I can't do much without feeling stiff and sore. The soreness is deep down to the bone. It passes with rest.

I can't sit up for more than 5 minutes without having pain in my tailbone so I lie down or recline most of the day. It's not much of a life.

I'm trying to find the joy in the simplest things, but even that has proved difficult. It feels like the Earth is spinning under my feet while I stand still. People and events pass by me, but I am stuck.