one of the things that gets me through me day

Our dog is nearly 2 years old. She's been a huge blessing to our family. I can't tell you how much she's eased my anxiety and fears. She lowers my blood pressure just by being present. She senses when my pain levels are high and stays close. She's better than any medication I've ever taken for arachnoiditis. I know I'm not exaggerating because I've heard this from many people who have pets, emotional support companions, and service dogs. I am thankful for each day I have with her.

back to work

After more than a year off of work I have returned. I am working the night shift at a local involuntary in-patient psych unit. The night shift is eerily quiet. There is busy work to do and very little patient interaction, which is good and bad. So far my pain levels haven't increased. I noticed during my training when I did day and evening shifts on the floor interacting with angry, yelling patients added tremendous stress to my body. Working nights I don't have to deal with that. I don't mind working with people with mental disorders, in fact I enjoy it. But it does wear you out when they direct their frustration and anger towards you.

I haven't had a hard time adjusting to going back to work. It was tough getting up to an alarm clock during my week of training and orientation. Sleeping when I want and getting up when I want was a blessing. Being an arachniac causes sleep disturbances. I get very little restorative sleep. I think that's what has made working nights not as difficult. I only sleep a few hours here and there, that is if I am medicated.

All in all it was a good move to return to work. Now I can get my credit back on track and get new furniture for the house, not to mention a haircut! Sometimes it's those little things we miss the most.

you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it...

Have you heard that saying? "You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it." I call BS. If that's the case I would have chose to be weak. I would have chose live a simple life. One in which I can  run, and hike, and swim with ease. One in which I can bake a cake, make dinner, clean my floors, all in the same day, instead of eating cereal for dinner because I mopped the floor, and I am too sore to do anything but breath.

Sometimes you can't turn lemons into lemonade. Sometimes things are just so effed up you have to look at it for what it is. Was  I truly strong enough to live this life or did I learn strength in the face of adversity? Is there a reason for everything or do we find reason in bad things that happen? Is it really possible to find the good in everything? If you answered yes to the last one, you must not have suffered the deep profound loss and isolation that certain things in life bring, like the loss of a child, mental illness, or intractable pain.

Now this isn't a why me post. I don't whine or complain about what life has thrown my way. I also don't sugar coat it and make lemonade. Instead I retain it's tartness, it's sourness. I want you to see the raw, sour, painful bits of life we often try to hide. Not because I want to live a bitter life, but rather live a realistic one. Bad, nasty, effed up things happen to good people. Why is it some get cancer, while others don't? Why is it some live in chronic daily pain, while others don't? Why is it some live with depression and anxiety, while others don't? Those who suffer, are they any less worthy of a happy, peaceful life? Why us and not someone else? Is it random? Or some cosmic eeny meeny miny mo? How did we draw the short straw?

So I won't live life like I am dying, or live everyday like it's my last, nor will I believe I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it. There is no reason I got cancer, no reason I life with arachnoiditis. So what's a girl to do? I will attempt to make the best of day. Take it moment by moment. I will lean on like minded friends who suffer like I do. I will love my family, kiss my dog, and laugh. I will put one foot in front of the other as long as I am able to. But most of all I will remember lemons don't taste so bad.

a year has passed

Ok so I'm not doing that great at keeping this blog up to date. I don't have any excuses why. I am 38 years old. I live with my husband, son, and German Shepherd.










I have adhesive arachnoiditis from intrathecal chemo treatments I had when I was 15 for Burkitt's Lymphoma. I am cured of cancer, yet left with a painful, debilitating condition. I also have a Tarlov Cyst in my sacral spine. This causes similar pain and symptoms are arachnoiditis.


Since I last wrote I haven't returned to work. This is by choice. I stopped taking opiate pain meds last year. I developed hyperalgesia. It caused my pain receptors to interpret slight touch as searing pain. It was awful. Since stopping them the hyperalgesia disappeared, however the pain from arachnoiditis and tarlov cyst disease is more than evident. I can't do much without feeling stiff and sore. The soreness is deep down to the bone. It passes with rest.

I can't sit up for more than 5 minutes without having pain in my tailbone so I lie down or recline most of the day. It's not much of a life.

I'm trying to find the joy in the simplest things, but even that has proved difficult. It feels like the Earth is spinning under my feet while I stand still. People and events pass by me, but I am stuck.

things don't always go as planned

So life as I know it moves on. I quit work in March. I had these grand plans that I would be able to do so many things; write this blog every week, take great photos, bake, work on the house, maybe start a garden. I figured work was causing my pain and symptoms to worsen each day, that I couldn't do all the things I wanted to because I was using all my pain and energy at work.

Well...that's not the case at all. My pain levels, my neuropathy symptoms, my headaches and tinnitus, my fatigue, they are all the same! Okay, somewhat better since starting Effexor XR (for nerve pain, not depression) but not nearly where I assumed they would be. I can barely wash the dinner dishes without my hands cramping and my back tightening. I can barely sweep and swiffer the floors without needing a break.

Arachnoiditis is down right awful. It's the stealer of lives...it takes away your physical abilities as well as your mental abilities. Pushing myself each day to do menial tasks wears me out. Taking a shower can become a huge undertaking when you are having a high pain day. You'd think the hot water would feel good, loosen muscles, help you relax. Unfortunately, due hyperthesia the water can feel boiling when it's warm, can feel like piercing icicles when it's cool. Hyperthesia is from misfired nerves, it sends odd pain signals to your brain. A touch can feel like an uncomfortably tickle or like you're being rubbed with sandpaper. It's another symptom of arachnoiditis that many of us suffer from.

On the brighter side, I am able to do things with my husband and son on the weekends. I don't feel like I need to recover from a long, stressful work week. Last weekend my husband and I took our dog, Allie, to Lincoln Park. A big, beautiful park along Puget Sound in West Seattle. Lots of trees, grass, water, lovely views, and great walking trails. It was nice to reconnect with my husband, to walk and talk. He's been working 2 jobs since I quit work.

Beautiful view

View of Puget Sound @ Lincoln Park

My husband Mike & Allie, our dog

Also the puppy is still keeping me busy. She turned 7 months last week. We walk every morning and play A LOT. She's learning a lot of basic obedience commands. We're going to work on doing some cool tricks and some agility soon. She's been an awesome addition to the family. She's helping me to focus on the present, to forgive and forget, and to express unconditional love to those around you.

Life is full of a lot of nasty, difficult trials and I am working on focusing on the good, being grateful for the blessings around me, no matter how small.

Relaxing in the grass, enjoying the view

Allie, in the back yard, acting like a lion, rawr

slacking on these blog post

I've been really slacking on these blog post, but I have a good reason...we have a new addition to our family!! No, I didn't have a baby...we got a German Shepherd puppy! She turned 5 months old on April 15. Her name is Allie Grace. I'll be training her to be my therapy dog. We will be attending obedience classes. She's been with us for a little over 3 weeks and she's the best thing ever. It's been a challenge but it's so worth it. She's nothing but love and spunk.

She's picked up so much in the time that we've had her; eat, water, yard, ball, toys, Nate, potty, sit, stay, up, lay down, off, come, quickly (when we have to walk across the street), easy ( when we're going down stairs or a hill so she slows down),  wait, hey (when we want to get her attention and get her to stop), she hasn't mastered NO, but I think she is just choosing to ignore it, lol.

I've been walking her every day and playing with her. I'm picking up on her queues and she's picking up on my daily rhythm. She picks up on our emotions. My son had a very rough day and she was right by his side, cuddling and giving him kisses. She helps me feel protected so my anxiety levels are down, as are my pain levels. There is a difference between feeling calm and really feeling calm. What I thought was calm wasn't. It's like calmness switched on and once it did Allie listened better and our mutual trust grew. I look forward to many years ahead with this little stinker.

She's worth the time and energy and effort. How can you not love this face?

finding balance

No this isn't a post about balancing my work life and my home life, this is a post about true balance. Having arachnoiditis means I don't just deal with the pain, it effects my nerves in my legs, so I have to deal with my legs feeling weaker and more wobbly. I have always feared that I'd fall, and so far I've been lucky that I haven't. I am moving slower.

A few days ago while walking on a brick covered road I held onto my 16 year old son's arm while we crossed the street. He asked if I would eventually end up in a wheel chair. I know that it could be a possibility since some arachnoiditis sufferers do. But we put it to the back of our mind until the day comes that we can't ignore it anymore and we need assistance to get around

This got me thinking about devices used to help us walk, like canes and walkers and about wheelchairs. Why do they look so blah...they are often cold gray metal. We more than likely would have to use them every day so why not jazz them up. if i ever need a cane I'd want to blink it out with crystals and make sparkle. If I have to carry it wherever I go I don't want a cold gray boring thing. They are so depressing

If I ever need a wheelchair I want some of those cool wheels that the ladies on the show Push Girls use. There is a great market for wheelchair art hubcaps.

If you have to live with a mobility device you might as well make it match your personality. I pray that I won't ever need them but accepting the fact now that it could come to that truly helps me appreciate that I am still on my feet today.